Accepted

I've been thinking a lot about this word today, with the ice keeping me home from work. It's interesting, how your mindset can change when you move from "applying" to "accepted." For me, the fear kicks in. I start to doubt. It's as if, during the application process, I've been daring the program not to accept me. Knowing that I'm good enough and expecting them to see. But once that little word changes, I begin to worry that I've made a mistake. They've made a mistake, after all.

A week before I left for Peru, I was on the verge of chickening out. (And ended up having the experience of a lifetime.)

As I finally got ready to leave for Spain, I wondered if all the visa headaches would be worth it. (They were.)

And now, I am happily announcing that I've been accepted into the World Race, my multi-country mission trip that I've been excited about for literally a year now. (Yay!)

But also: eeek!

I know that this is my calling, this is my passion, this is my route. And yet.

And yet.

I'm a little nervous. The doubts and questions start pouring in. I'm not the best at talking to new people, so am I really qualified to be a missionary? I don't have a ton of spiritual discipline, so am I really qualified to be a missionary? Etc, etc, etc.

How interesting, that we humans do this to ourselves, despite the mountains of evidence saying YES! Go for it! Reach for the stars! (Insert your preferred motivational phrase here.)

I'm sure in the next few weeks of preparation, this feeling will subside. I plan on keeping myself distracted by writing short travel story blog posts and sharing some of the pictures I've gotten onto Facebook on the blog as well. And of course, tending to a demanding class of 2 year olds :)

P.S. Further posts about the World Race can be found at: http://corinnehurlbert.theworldrace.org/

An Apology and An Update

I'm sorry it's been so long since I got a travel post up. I want to be the kind of person who blogs regularly [among a host of other things], but I'm just not. Somehow, the "summer" times of my life, whether they happen during the summer or not, devolve into marathon TV-watching sessions, with a bit of reading and family socializing thrown in on the side.

So today I told myself I'm not allowed to turn the TV on and am finally getting at least something written, even if it doesn't turn out to be anything.

And luckily for me, my TV-less day has gotten full pretty quickly [because let's face it, otherwise I would be on the Internet all day which is probably definitely even less healthy than TV]. I cooked myself avena [oatmeal] for breakfast this morning, although it turned out disastrously. Clearly that recipe needs to be tweaked now that I'm back in the land of cups and tablespoons. I'm making dinner for my family as well, which could take me a good hour. Even though this is the house I grew up in, I never know where to find anything in this kitchen.

Anyways...there's really no point to this post, I just wanted to say that...I'm working on it. I've promised to finish my posts about Morocco, and now I have dozens of stories to tell about Bulgaria and Romania and Istanbul and London and Edinburgh on top of those. And all the places in Spain that I posted pictures of but never really talked about besides that.

Ugh.

I'm going to try really hard to not be lazy about all those. So I need to ask for a little patience, as I organize my scattered thoughts and finish uploading the thousands [literally thousands] of pictures that are still on my computer. It was a fantastic experience, all this traveling, and I'm really mad at myself for not sharing all of it sooner.

Back from the Dead

Metaphorically speaking, of course.

I'm sure I've said this a thousand times already, but I am terrible about remembering that I have a blog to update. And travel pictures to upload. And dishes to wash.

I want to be able to focus on accomplishing all these things, but I always almost-accidentally seem to binge watch TV instead. Especially YouTube series. Right after I finally gave up on a few network TV series, I've gotten addicted to several more online. It's a little ridiculous.

[On a related note, I will take the time to watch shows just to see some of my favorite YouTube actors on "real" shows. I find it adorable - even more so when they're in commercials.]

This week, I'm blaming it on the chilly, rainy weather we've been having. Alas. Such a letdown after my nice sunny week in Morocco.

BUT, even if I have to unplug my wireless router, I am determined to turn off the TV shows and get busy writing and photo uploading this weekend. I promise. Between my camera and my phone, I think I have just under 900 pictures to share, which will definitely take forever. So they'll be going up on the blog in smaller doses while I wrangle with the Facebook album uploader.

Check back probably tomorrow for the first installment of Toledo pictures. For a small town/short trip, there are quite a lot of them.

The Best Laid Plans

Ever since I first found out, late last August, that I was actually going to teach in Spain, I was thrilled. And not just about the living in Spain part. I was most excited because I [finally] had the next two years of my life planned out. That hasn't happened since I accepted my spot at Texas State.

Three weeks ago, I decided not to renew my position for another year, letting go of my dreams of living in Andalucia.

Which puts me back in my post-college what-am-I-doing-with-my-life mindset.

Which is quite the struggle for organized, planning me.

Somehow, this seems to keep happening to me. I grew up knowing that I was going to be a teacher. I have a very distinct memory of a guest speaker we had in a youth group meeting at the very beginning of my senior year of high school. She asked if any of us knew, 100% for sure, what we were going to do for a living. So I, supremely confident, raised my hand and said decisively, "I'm going to be a teacher."

Less than a month later, I had changed my mind.

So I started college getting my degree in Family and Child Development instead of Education. At the time, I was planning on being a Child Life Specialist [if I haven't already explained it to you, basically it's a job where you make kids in the hospital happier].

And then I changed my mind again. I did my internship at a Child Placing Agency and fully intended on working for CPS after I graduated.

Well, that plan clearly didn't work out for me. I spent the next few months getting over my I'm-terribly-burnt-out-from-school-and-job-hunting funk and then was offered a terrific part-time position at a preschool. I was reminded how much I lovelovelove toddlers. There are not many people who seem to like this stage best [hence the term terrible twos] but it is my absolute favorite.

Unfortunately, the Peace Corps doesn't need a lot of preschool teachers. So I applied for the Spain job and said I wouldn't be back in the fall because, as much as I love those babies, I also desperately needed to travel. Overseas.

And then I didn't hear from them, and didn't hear from them. So, change of plans again! I got a full-time nanny job for the sweetest baby boy, with a lovely family, that I was planning on staying at for a year, at which point I was going to try for Spain again.

Ha!

Here I am, teaching in Spain 5 years after I decided I could never be a teacher. [For some reason, teaching languages is a little better than teaching other subjects, although the variety in the education systems in Peru and Spain also makes a big difference.] And it's great, and I get to travel, and I'm earning money.

But.

But I'm sick of high schoolers.

Don't get me wrong, most of my classes are great. There are a lot of kids that are really invested in learning English, and their level is much higher than that of most American students. But the ones that aren't just...aren't. They talk over me, they don't pay attention, and they make me really, really miss my sweet toddlers.

These past 5 months have reinforced the knowledge that I am not cut out to be a grade school teacher. Preschool is my home. [It's also the most important age for attachment, and therefore foster/adopted kids, and therefore combines two of my loves.]

And as much as I enjoy living here, I realized, as I procrastinated on working on my reapplication, that there's not a lot left I want to do in Spain. I've done a ton of traveling, practiced some Spanish, and eaten a lot of delicious paella. When trying to picture next year, maybe in Granada, the only thing I was looking forward to was coming home during Christmas break and having a Presbyterian-ish church to go to.

Which are not good reasons to commit to living somewhere for nine months.

So now I'm working on a new plan. And I'm really excited about it and can't wait to share it with everyone. But this post is long and picture-less enough as it is, so that will have to wait for another day.

Adventures in Pancake Making

I consider myself a decent cook. And usually a good baker too. But no matter how hard I try to follow recipes or keep the kitchen clean while I work, it never seems to go quite so smoothly.

So of course, my first stab at solo pancake making was bound to be interesting. [Especially because there are no mixing bowls in my apartment. I don't understand how this happened. We have an overflowing cupboard full of them at home.]

BUT pancakes are a must for Shrove Tuesday/Mardi Gras. Since I can't be at my church eating pancakes and applesauce and sausage patties, I dug up a recipe I had saved - well, it ended up being a combination of two recipes - and got to work buying ingredients. And this is how it turned out.

Step One: Find a YouTube playlist of New Orleans jazz music

Step Two: Make the batter [and in this case, a cinnamon filling as well]

The ingredient-mixing itself wasn't that hard and I only made a tiny mess with the cinnamon sugar. Yay! I did have to make some substitutions due to Spain not having vegetable oil, and had to leave off a yummy sounding cream cheese glaze because I haven't seen any powdered sugar. I even realized how big of a recipe it was and halfed it [the batter still lasted two days, but what's wrong with two days of pancake dinners?].

Step Three: Grease pan with butter and plop down the pancake mixture

This is not as easy to do when you're guestimating how much butter to melt because there is no non-stick cooking spray in my apartment. Maybe in all of Spain. Who knows?

Step Four: Swirl in some cinnamon

Technically you could follow the instructions from the recipe and use an icing bag/ziploc to make a nice circle. But when you have neither of those things, a tea spoon will do just fine.

Step Five: Flip

This is where it got dicey. The cinnamon swirl, while a tasty addition, also makes the pancakes flimsier. Which I wasn't quite expecting when I made my first gigantic pancake, hence the broken pieces above. Poor pancake #1.

[Also, is it strange that I think of the Aral Sea every time I look at that picture?]

Step Six: Eat!

I'm obviously a lot biased, but these are some of the best pancakes I've ever eaten.

Here's the recipe. For the pancakes, just mix the dry ingredients together, add in the wet ones and mix them until all the flour is blended in. For the filling, I melted the butter in a glass dish then added the cinnamon and sugar. Then you basically make them like regular pancakes - although the recipe did say to be careful not to cook them too fast because the cinnamon could burn.

Pancakes

• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 4 tsps baking powder
• 2 cups milk
• 1 mashed banana [my Google-approved substitute for 2 tbsps vegetable oil]
• 2 large eggs
• 1 tsp vanilla extract [because I didn't make the glaze]

Cinnamon Filling

• 1/2 cup butter, melted
• 3/4 cup brown sugar, packed
• 1 tbsp ground cinnamon

Cream Cheese Glaze

• 1/4 cup butter
• 2 oz. cream cheese
• 3/4 cups powdered sugar
• 1 tsp. vanilla

El piso

My apartment! I finally made it out to the library, where I took advantage of the free and fast wifi to upload pictures. [And call my mom on Skype, kind of against the rules but I didn't get caught! There's actually some kind of security guy with a uniform and everything who told the lady next to me to take a phone call in the bathroom.]

The living room.

And dining room.

[Yes, I know most of you probably learned departamento for apartment. I don't know which country says "departamento," but I have never actually used it in a Spanish-speaking country. I'm always a little surprised at first to learn a different word for something, forgetting how many differences there are between American, British, Australian, and other forms of English.]

The kitchen.

I live in a lovely, wonderful apartment 10 minutes away from my school. I'm going to have one roommate, but she's not getting here until next Wednesday. Probably. My landlord isn't exactly sure.

My bedroom.

The problem is, the Internet connection is really spotty and the walk is almost entirely uphill. Some days I'm regretting my decision to choose the pretty (recently remodeled) apartment over the closer (and older, and with 3 roommates, and weirdly tiled bathrooms) one. I'm hoping the Internet situation is going to resolve itself soon which will make me feel a lot better.

My bathroom.

And of course, every time I walk into my seemingly brand-spanking-new apartment, with its big TV and dishwasher and dryer and private bathroom, I can't believe how lucky I am to be living in Spain.

Escape

So this one time, in March, I applied to teach English in Spain for the 2013-2014 school year. [I also wrote blog posts more regularly back then...]

Then I heard nothing more than "Wait until next month and we'll have news" about it for, well, months.

And now I'm going to Spain in maybe 2 weeks. Which I found out not quite 2 weeks ago.

This has obviously caused me no end of hair pulling and panicked Googling as I scrambled to rearrange not only my mental image of the next year of my life but all the actual stuff that has to be done along with that. Pesky documents needed for a visa, bureaucracies and their confusing websites, telling the family I work for I'm leaving the country - and I haven't even begun to think about packing.

But a little stress now is only going to pay off big time over the next nine months because I GET TO LEAVE THE COUNTRY!!!

And I get to go somewhere that looks like this.

[At least, I hope this all works out. I feel like I can't get my hopes up until I've bought a plane ticket at the last minute just in case something goes wrong and they won't let me in the country.]

It has been a long two years since my glorious summer in Peru and I just about went crazy last fall calculating the time it would take me before I qualified for the Peace Corps [my original go-abroad scheme that sadly is not going to happen for a long time]. So as not-ideal as all this documentation and notarization and consulate stuff is, I desperately need it.

And that is not an exaggeration.

I've never quite understood how I came to be so uncomfortable with American culture. [Except for movies and TV. I already have all my shows set to record for the entire next season that I'll be missing. Thank goodness we finally have cable and DVR.] I mean, since I studied human development for three years, I have quite a few theories. But it's weirdly fascinating that, despite all the inherent privilege and cushiness in my life, I can't stand the thought of staying here forever.

Objectively, I know I could have a decent life in suburban Texas. A [small] part of me would rather stay and live la vida cotidiana, an average American life. But one of the most incredible things our culture gives us is a desire to strive for happiness. We feel entitled to live "happy" lives. To have "fulfilling" careers. To reach for our dreams. To have such lofty dreams in the first place. It's such a bizarre first-world, middle class goal.

I don't really know where I'm taking this. I'm just really [cautiously] excited about traveling again and I hope this isn't all ridiculously obvious and boring. I apologize if it is. I'm still having a bit of trouble articulating all the things I feel about getting closer to my international dreams. I always think this is partially because some people don't take me seriously when I say I want to move out of the U.S. Forever. Most people are looking to do the opposite of that.

So yeah. I'm going to Spain. I'll have a multitude of things to talk about so I will definitely be blogging regularly again. And sharing pretty pictures. And hopefully living my dream!

Baking with Thin Mints

So I was actually planning on my next post being about books, but then last night I had to come up with a last-minute dessert for a work potluck today. We have a ton of Girl Scout cookies left at our house, so I figured it would be easy to find a recipe using Thin Mints AND it would take a lot less time to make than the Chocolate Pecan Pie I had been thinking about bringing.

And since I haven't finished reading one of the books I want to rave about, I had the brilliant idea to share some of the delicious looking desserts I found on the blog.

THIN MINT BROWNIES 

These are the ones I made, mostly because they were pretty quick and I didn't have to go buy any ingredients. There were only 6 left after lunch, so I'd say they turned out pretty good! I personally have managed to only eat 2 of them. [The recipe also includes a hot fudge sauce to drizzle on top, but considering that I only got 5 hours of sleep, there was no way I was taking the time to make that as well.]

Ingredients: 
4 ounces unsweetened chocolate; coarsely chopped
3/4 cup butter, cut into large cubes
1 1/4 cups white sugar
3 large eggs
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon peppermint extract
1/4 teaspoon fine grain salt 
1 cup all-purpose flour
10 Thin Mint Cookies, roughly chopped

THIN MINT CHOCOLATE CUPCAKES

These look really amazing - and you can never go wrong with cream cheese icing - but cupcakes take a lot longer to make and I am really bad at icing them with homemade icing.

Ingredients: 

3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

1 1/2 cups sugar

1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda

3/4 teaspoon baking powder

3/4 teaspoon salt

2 large eggs

3/4 cup warm water

3/4 cup buttermilk

3 tablespoons safflower oil

1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

For the Cream Cheese Frosting:
One 8 oz. block of cream cheese 
1 cup of powdered sugar 
1 tsp vanilla [the recipe just says "some," but that's the amount I would guess to put in]

THIN MINT BROWNIES

I would have made these because, clearly, two of my favorite desserts together is the most magical combination possible. But I made some cheesecake bars for our potluck in February and I wanted to be a bit more original. 

Ingredients:

1 stick Butter, cubed  
2 oz. Bittersweet Chocolate, chopped           
5 oz. Semi-Sweet Chocolate, chopped          
2 tsp. Vanilla
3 Eggs
1 1/2 cup Sugar
3 Tbsp Cocoa Powder
1 cup Flour
10 Thin Mint Cookies, roughly chopped
For the Cream Cheese Topping:
1 brick Cream Cheese
1 1/2 cup Powdered Sugar
1 tsp Mint Extract
Green Food Coloring

THIN MINT CHEESECAKE CUPCAKES

I am strongly considering making these the next time I have to bring a dessert to something. Or maybe just for myself.

Ingredients:
18 Thin Mint cookies
16 ounces cream cheese, at room temperature
1/2 cup plain Greek yogurt
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips, melted and slightly cooled
1/4 cup sugar
1 teaspoon pure peppermint extract
2 large eggs, at room temperature

THIN MINT CAKE POPS

Because cake pops are always a good idea, but unfortunately they also take a long time to make.

Ingredients:
Unsalted butter, for cake pan
3 cups all-purpose flour (non-rising), sifted
1 1/2 cups unsweetened cocoa powder, sifted
3 cups sugar
1 Tsp baking soda
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1 1/2 tsp salt
3/4 cup vegetable oil
1 1/2 cups buttermilk
1 1/2 tsp pure vanilla extract
3 large eggs
1 1/2 cups hot water
For the Cream Cheese Frosting:
8 oz cream cheese (1 package)
1/2 cup unsalted butter (1 stick), room temperature
16 oz confectioner’s sugar, sifted
1 tsp vanilla extract
For the Cake Pops:
1 box of Thin Mints
1 package of chocolate chips (or chocolate bark)
Lollipop sticks (available at craft stores)
Parchment Paper

On Keeping Lent

It's so much harder to take something on than to give something up, at least for me.
Of course, that's the reason I needed those Lenten resolutions in the first place. I didn't find it excessively difficult to make time for cleaning and being more active - especially since my job involving chasing around rambunctious toddlers. But I was a lot more iffy about sticking with the other goals I set. I lost my original list about 2 weeks in so I forgot some of the things I said I'd do, but I know there were plenty - practicing my Spanish, writing blog posts - that fell to the wayside.

Mostly because I kept making excuses. Working with toddlers, in conjunction with the changing weather, meant that I spent most of February and the first half of March with a cold, or allergies, or feeling just a little under the weather. I also completely lost my voice during the Oscars and it took a week for it to start coming back. Still, I shouldn't have given myself quite so much slack, considering how much time I wasted online.

But that's the root of my problem - part of this laziness, this lack of motivation, is just my personality. I have always preferred reading a good book, curled up under my blankets, to exerting energy doing most anything else. I could quite happily go days without interacting with other people. While I love traveling, it takes a lot out of me to A) spend that much time in cramped quarters with other people and B) constantly doing so many things every single day. [I get really grouchy, really fast.] But when I went to Peru, even though I was living with a large family, I was the one who set the pace for sightseeing. I could spend hours meandering through a museum or monument, and 20 minutes getting from point A to point B - whatever I wanted to do. It was the most glorious vacation of my life.

[Well, I definitely didn't mean to go off on that tangent. I guess every time I start getting critical of myself or my environment, my brain immediately jumps back to how wonderful everything felt out of the country.]

Anyways.  

Lent has ended, but without the usual excitement over finally getting to eat that piece of chocolate. I'm just worn out by all my disappointment at not being the energetic go-getter I've always wanted to be. I want a magical switch that will change me into an extrovert when it would be more convenient to be one. That will make me the kind of girl I love to read about - sociable and creative and reckless and bright and interesting. It's really frustrating to compare my introverted self to all these characters and the people around me. I just want to know - why them and not me? Why can't I seem to get anything done? Why do I hate talking to new people? Why am I so boring?

I don't know exactly where I'm going with this; I feel like I failed in my resolutions and I didn't even learn anything new in the process. What can I do but keep trying, keep reminding myself that that murky future out there will be really good if I can get the present together?

So I guess the moral is: we all have questions like these and we all have to keep working at them. That's what it means to be human and, in my opinion, it kinda sucks. But - and this is something that 50-some-odd views on a post taught me - we are never alone in that struggle, no matter how alone we may feel. And that is a nice sentiment to start Easter with.

At the Moment: March 22

I'm working on several half finished posts that are going to be really good [I mean, at least in my opinion], but as March seems to be even busier than January and February, those still exist more in my head than on paper. Or they exist on paper rather than on the computer.

But I digress. I've been journaling more often this month, which reminded me that I liked writing and missed writing, so I really wanted to make an effort on this blogging thing. That was one of my Lenten resolutions, and probably the one I've done the least work towards [oops]. So I'm taking a quick break from vacuuming [probably my least favorite chore, and thus one that merits plenty of breaks], I wanted to do a sum-up of what's going on right now.

At the moment:

I am eagerly anticipating reading MIND GAMES by Kiersten White.

I finally got to adore this beautiful, brand-spanking-new book after picking it up from the library. IT'S SO PRETTY.

In a similar vein, I'm starting to brainstorm again for my alternate history Cold War-esque spy story.

We're babysitting my precious little cousins, after also getting to see a bunch of my lovely family last weekend.

I'm working on an application to teach in Spain for the next school year! And I would get paid for it too!

And Spain is in the top 5 of countries that I really, really want to go visit.

I've been watching a ton of movies, which is nice, except that means I'm not reading near as many books - only 10 so far this year, which is really tragic. But the books that I have read have been exceptionally good! So that, I am very happy about.

I have watched and rewatched the latest episode of The Lizzie Bennet Diaries five times since it was uploaded yesterday. [My mother thinks I'm a little bit obsessed.] I just want to say this - if you like PRIDE AND PREJUDICE in the slightest, you really should be watching this web series.

The first of many wonderful episodes.

And finally, I'm wishing a super happy birthday to my amazing little sister!

What I'm Doing for Lent

On Monday, I painted my toenails purple, yellow, and green.

Another teacher and I were talking about what we were doing for Shrove Tuesday and Ash Wednesday and I had the brilliant idea to show my colorful nails to the kids we work with. Of course, then they all started taking off their own shoes. Not the best plan.

On Tuesday, I ate pancakes at my church, surrounded by Mardi Gras masks and balloon centerpieces.

We didn't have any King Cake which I was sad about at first because I've been craving it for ages. But then I got Valentine's candy and cookies and even ice cream sandwiches from work and now I'm really sick of sugar.

On Wednesday, I had ashes smudged on my forehead and sang with a sore throat.

Spiritually, I think Lent and Easter are my favorite times of year. They're a lot quieter and less commercial than Christmas, which I really appreciate. Mardi Gras pancakes and Easter egg hunts are certainly a lot more low-key than standing in long lines buying last-minute gifts.

And so begin the 40 days of waiting for the party of Easter.

Easter is my favorite holiday, I think mostly because that means I get to sing the Hallelujah Chorus with the full orchestration and all that. I also really like the waiting [after all, that's when the Hallelujah Chorus gets practiced!]. You can imagine that the world's moving a little slower, that time is pushing Easter just a little farther away and then it arrives with a bang! Or maybe I'm just overtired and a little crazy. But I do love the idea of giving things up for Lent, the idea that Lent is different and simpler than the rest of the year.

Even when I do remember to make them, I seem to only inadvertently keep my New Year's resolutions. I don't know if it's because I can't handle the year-long commitment or because I have too many goals. But Lent, I have always been able to follow through on.

This year, though, I had a really hard time thinking of anything meaningful to give up. I have been trying very hard over the past couple of years to cut out all of the mindless excesses that I would normally pick to go without for forty days. I could always give up something like chocolate, that I enjoy but don't overindulge in, but it wouldn't be the same as the year I gave up reading celebrity gossip. And I feel uncomfortable with the idea of giving something up just because.

So instead, I'm doing the opposite. I've made a list of things to take on for Lent, some of which will replace the time I spend meandering thoughtlessly around the Internet. I'll probably be adding things to it even through Holy Week, but for now, it's got things like exercising and practicing Spanish and cleaning my room. I'm going to make sure I do at least one of them every day; hopefully, this will help me get back into some habits that I lost after graduating from the structure of college.

The biggest thing I want to get done is decluttering. While I was in Perú, I was struck by how little stuff I really wanted with me. For six weeks, I didn't miss much of anything. I have always been a collector, so there are a lot of things in my room, and I realized for the first time just how much I didn't need most of this junk. So those things - plenty of which live in our messy gameroom because I ran out of room a long time ago - are going to get sorted and passed down and donated and thrown away and recycled.

Everything I brought with me fit into that dresser and a nightstand.

I am so looking forward to not feeling so crowded in my own space. After spending the past six months surrounded by ALL my stuff in one place - for the first time in 3 years, really - I feel like it's drowning me, just crashing away in my skull and not leaving me any room to breathe. I used to collect all these things [trinkets, coins, dreamcatchers] because I needed the noise around me, but now I think I'm ready to let my self back out, to tone down all the other distractions and figure out how to be an adult and how to survive living in a culture that thrives on excess. To figure out how to start being alive now instead of waiting to do that when my next goal, or the next one, is reached.

So that's what I have in store for myself for Lent, both physically and mentally. In a way, it seems like a lot to do. But when I compare my "crisis of self" [for lack of a better term] to the "real" crises faced by people all over the world, every day, I realize again how privileged I am to be doing any of this at all.

My 2012 Favorite Things

2012 was an...interesting year for me. I feel like I have to divide it into thirds: San Marcos life, summer life, and being at home life. Looking back, I can't see how any of these have any resemblance to each other, except for the fact that I spend as much time as I can on books, TV shows, movies, and the Internet. It's a bizarre feeling. But anyways, I feel obligated to do a "year in review" kind of post, and since I haven't found much time for writing it this week, I'm doing it entirely in photos. Because I can, and because pictures are pretty.

I have now read all five of these John Green books

The Hunger Games made me cry but I watched it again anyways

Noomi Rapace was fabulous in Prometheus

Graduation!

The Avengers took over my life when I finally watched it in September

I devoured all 6 and a half seasons of (new) Doctor Who

I wished I was watching Community

I became obsessed with The Lizzie Bennet Diaries

 THE HOBBIT

Samantha Barks and the cast of Les Miserables were brilliant

Silver Linings Playbook may be the best movie I watched all year. Plus, I enjoyed a comedy!

And finally, I got 129 (and a half) books read this year

Christmas Thanksgiving

Clearly I am really bad about remembering that I have a blog. Hopefully [really, hopefully] I can successfully pull off a New Year's resolution to write more. We shall see.

But anyway, what I wanted to do really quickly since it's almost Christmas and therefore the happiest, and busiest, time of year, is sum up the last month where I have been Internet blog silent. And seeing as that month included Thanksgiving...

MY TOP TEN LIST OF THINGS I'M THANKFUL FOR AT CHRISTMAS:

1. This is the 100th post on my blog! 100! It's crazy.
2. I have a job now! Hooray!
3. I did not run out of fantastic TV shows to watch while I waited to get a job! As of today, I am completely caught up on Doctor Who.
4. I have a bunch of wonderful friends.
5. I got to see a ton of my family at our Thanksgiving reunion and there were adorable babies everywhere. We spent a lovely couple of days on the beach in Mississippi. There was tons of tasty food, of course. I also technically went to New Orleans again. We celebrated my great-uncle's 90th birthday at the WWII museum, which was a pretty fantastic place. One day, though, I'll go to NOLA to be a tourist...one day.
6. My sister is home from college!
7. Shiny wrapping paper. I love it.
8. Movies! This has been an almost perfect year in terms of movies. The Hunger Games, Prometheus, The Avengers, Anna Karenina, The Hobbit, Les Miserables [if it lives up to my expectations]. If there had been an Angelina Jolie movie out, then it would have been the Movie Year to End All Movie Years. So, so close.
9. Christmas music! Somehow, I've managed to avoid getting bombarded with Christmas music this year. I haven't filled my quota of it yet.
10. Hot tea.

There are plenty of other things I'm grateful for, but they're not coming to mind at the moment. So we'll leave it at ten. I wouldn't want this list-post to get too long. Especially considering it's the end of the year, which also means the month of people making best-of-2012 lists. It's like OCD heaven! So stay tuned for more list-making, including the best books I've read this year.

Merry Christmas, universe!

We Should Talk About Disabilities

Lately, I keep seeing articles popping up in the news and on blogs about people with disabilities. With my degree, I took a bunch of classes that either directly or indirectly discussed how disabilities - the ones we usually think of as terrible curses/burdens and the ones we don't think about at all - affect the family and the educational system and the workplace. So I have been well-versed on the topic and still there are new things out there every day for me to consider.

It's interesting to compare how disability, and the various types of disabilities, is treated in the media and in different countries. It seems to me that the poorer the country, or the family, the worse off the people with major disabilities are. Not necessarily through any fault of their families, but due to the inter-generational transmission of ignorance or lack of services or the often astronomical cost of caring for children and adults with different needs.

But then there's a difference we don't usually hear about here, between the U.S. and Europe, because national health care and social services take better - and cheaper - care of people with disabilities than for-profit companies in the States. Of course, they're worrying about funding cuts now too.

[Not that there aren't good people doing good work for people with disabilities at home too. There are. I just see the vast difference in what is provided in Europe and what has to be sought out here. In fact, I briefly toyed with the idea of going into Early Childhood Intervention because I think they're brilliant for Americans when it comes to children accessing services.]

No matter where or what magnitude it is, it's sad for me to see people with disabilities so marginalized by society. We wouldn't like to think it, with our legislated equality and whatnot, but we're failing them.

We fail them when we call them "the disabled" rather than a person, who happens to have a disability. We fail them when we focus on what they can't do, rather than what they can. We fail them when we pity them or offer sympathies without offering solutions or help.

We fail them when NBC doesn't give any useful coverage to the Paralympics.

We fail them when a school demands a boy get his name changed because it violates their policy.

Instead of comic relief for a tragic Shakespeare...how about cuteness relief for an angry rant?

Another one that means a lot to me - and I would say this is technically related more to illnesses/medical conditions rather than "disabilities" - is when we fail to acknowledge the invisible sufferers. The people who don't "look" sick but suffer from chronic fatigue, or fibromyalgia, or depression, or cystic fibrosis, or anxiety, or...or...or. The ones who, on top of living with this extra burden, have to explain to people that they aren't faking being sick. They aren't looking for your criticism or your advice or whatever. They just want to live as normally as possible for them.

It astounds me that, as much of a capacity for kindness that humans have, we are so quick to fall into this blaming-hurtful-ignorant-critical mentality. A person who is living with blindness, or deafness, or paralysis, or a cognitive impairment, or...or...or, shouldn't have to deal with that kind of crap. They are inspirational just as every single one of us is inspirational in our unique way. No one gets away with having it all in life. We each have our own personal issues to struggle through.

And no one, no matter what, should have their journey trivialized or marginalized. [Although I must admit, there is certainly a limit to my empathy for sociopaths.]

So please, be aware of how you talk about disability. Technically, it's called person-first language. It really does make a difference in terms of attitude towards the individuals we so often described [and still sometimes describe] as a group. Be as aware as you can about policy and current issues, or be ready to listen if someone explains them and their effects to you. Really, I think everyone should be like this about everything, but especially for the more sensitive parts of the human experience.

Some great articles and blog posts I've read about normal people who are also impacted by disability:

The Greatest Sporting Event You've Never Heard Of

It's a Shame Paralympic Opening Ceremony Wasn't Seen By All [If anyone knows where to find the whole ceremony online, I would appreciate the link!]

School Demands Deaf Boy Change His Sign Name

Mama Lewis and the Amazing Adventures of the Half-Brained Baby [I couldn't think of one post that I wanted to share more than others, so if you're interested, this is the author of the first article. Her little girl is the cutest thing ever.]

Time for Brutal Honesty

***I'm sorry I forgot all about writing about San Fran. I've been a smidge busy and also a smidge disconnected. I'll get back to that...eventually! But I have a few more serious things I need to say first.***

I cried myself to sleep the other day.

Let me reassure you that nothing bad happened to me. I had a typical day, full of playing Internet Spades and cleaning and eating and watching the Olympics. From the outside, it’s hard to see how a bunch of little things pushed me over the edge emotions-wise. It’s not life itself, but my perception of it, that depresses me so much.

It’s weird how that works. Cognitively, I know how good I have it. I want to be very clear that I’m not complaining about the circumstances of my life. I am well aware how much privilege I have, in almost every aspect. I get that.

But emotionally, I’m miserable. Not all of the time, and probably not whenever anyone else has seen. I like to think that I have a really solid mask up when I need to hide my emotional state. Also, it’s a lot easier to feel happy around people that I love, even the ones that I just like :). But at home, by myself, it’s not as easy to be positive about things. I tend to focus on the future, which seems so far away, and it’s hard to enjoy the moment.

 

 I feel the need to interrupt the seriousness with a lovely song.

Especially because the two things that I have always wanted most – my dream job/non-profit and my family – feel like they’re getting pushed further from the present. I’m still just checking off the steps as I inch closer to those goals. Ever since I can remember; well, probably since about 7^th grade. First, it was 2 years to high school. Then it was 4 more years to college. Then it was 2 years that turned into 3 to get done with college. Now it will be at least 2 years until I [hopefully] will be leaving the country as a Peace Corps volunteer.

[I also, naively, thought that I would get married super young. Clearly, that is not about to happen. And really, I'm totally okay with that, it's just so different from what I thought I wanted.]

All this waiting just tires me out. In retrospect, it wasn’t all that long or all that bad, but in the present, it feels like it’s taking forever. There’s always another step I have to take, another delay, another requirement of living in American society. And I have enough trouble tolerating this society without the added burden of depression.

I figure I could get diagnosed with mild depression, but I don’t know for sure. Some days I feel really crippled – it’s hard to get out of bed, it’s hard to get anything done, it’s hard to care. These don’t happen often when I’m busy and have things to distract my over-active mind. Other times, the mean side of my brain yells at me and tells me to quit whining, I'm just always looking to have a pity party focused on me, that I don't deserve to be super insanely happy. Then the nice side points out that that’s really making a case for the opposite point of view and they just go back and forth and give me a headache.

I don’t know why now is the time I feel compelled to share this with the world. I just…as I was lying in bed trying to sleep, I started composing this. Then I typed it up the next day, but I just couldn't post it. I guess I needed a day where I felt really great about things before I could talk about the not-so-great stuff. It’s a part of me, part of my story, part of my life. I don’t necessarily give a lot of thought to it. I don’t talk about it, except occasionally with my sister, who always knows how to make me laugh. I’m not looking for an intervention or sympathy or anything. It's one obstacle out of many, and certainly is not among the most insurmountable [for me].

But it's something that I've always hidden before, and I shouldn't have to want to, because it's not a curse or a disability or what have you. It's some shoddy wiring in my brain, that's all.

Or something like that. I am not one for explaining complicated medical things very well.