On Keeping Lent

It's so much harder to take something on than to give something up, at least for me.
Of course, that's the reason I needed those Lenten resolutions in the first place. I didn't find it excessively difficult to make time for cleaning and being more active - especially since my job involving chasing around rambunctious toddlers. But I was a lot more iffy about sticking with the other goals I set. I lost my original list about 2 weeks in so I forgot some of the things I said I'd do, but I know there were plenty - practicing my Spanish, writing blog posts - that fell to the wayside.

Mostly because I kept making excuses. Working with toddlers, in conjunction with the changing weather, meant that I spent most of February and the first half of March with a cold, or allergies, or feeling just a little under the weather. I also completely lost my voice during the Oscars and it took a week for it to start coming back. Still, I shouldn't have given myself quite so much slack, considering how much time I wasted online.

But that's the root of my problem - part of this laziness, this lack of motivation, is just my personality. I have always preferred reading a good book, curled up under my blankets, to exerting energy doing most anything else. I could quite happily go days without interacting with other people. While I love traveling, it takes a lot out of me to A) spend that much time in cramped quarters with other people and B) constantly doing so many things every single day. [I get really grouchy, really fast.] But when I went to Peru, even though I was living with a large family, I was the one who set the pace for sightseeing. I could spend hours meandering through a museum or monument, and 20 minutes getting from point A to point B - whatever I wanted to do. It was the most glorious vacation of my life.

[Well, I definitely didn't mean to go off on that tangent. I guess every time I start getting critical of myself or my environment, my brain immediately jumps back to how wonderful everything felt out of the country.]

Anyways.  

Lent has ended, but without the usual excitement over finally getting to eat that piece of chocolate. I'm just worn out by all my disappointment at not being the energetic go-getter I've always wanted to be. I want a magical switch that will change me into an extrovert when it would be more convenient to be one. That will make me the kind of girl I love to read about - sociable and creative and reckless and bright and interesting. It's really frustrating to compare my introverted self to all these characters and the people around me. I just want to know - why them and not me? Why can't I seem to get anything done? Why do I hate talking to new people? Why am I so boring?

I don't know exactly where I'm going with this; I feel like I failed in my resolutions and I didn't even learn anything new in the process. What can I do but keep trying, keep reminding myself that that murky future out there will be really good if I can get the present together?

So I guess the moral is: we all have questions like these and we all have to keep working at them. That's what it means to be human and, in my opinion, it kinda sucks. But - and this is something that 50-some-odd views on a post taught me - we are never alone in that struggle, no matter how alone we may feel. And that is a nice sentiment to start Easter with.